Today I was robbed by a 65+ woman on a scooter. FML.
First, it is important to distinguish one fact: by scooter, I mean electronic wheelchair. I do not mean vespa or a Razor scooter. Nothing nearly that cool. I mean the too-old-to-walk-too-old-to-push-themselves-in-a-proper-wheelchair scooter.
And secondly, it is important to differentiate between being "robbed" and being "mugged", . Mugged has a degree of attack to it, a face to face confrontation, the person is wearing a ski mask in July feel. You know, New York stuff. Being robbed is sneaking in and swiping someone's personal property whilst the owner is far away and not at all a threat. Being mugged has a slightly more glamourous feel to it, except when it is followed "by a woman in an electronic wheelchair who was pushing 70." I was robbed, not mugged, let's get that clear.
Okay, so to explain.
My workplace has a donation centre in the back of the basement which looks like a large open garage area that opens to the alley. On a weekday, there is anywhere from 20-30 people working in this area, but on the weekends, there can be as few as 2. Today, being the weekend, 2 of my coworkers were working the basement and both of them were preoccupied with other things. At the far end of the basement, is our lunchroom and that is where my bag was left as prey. At approximately 2PM, (as seen on surveillance footage after the fact) a old woman with frizzy hair, scooted in through the back door and high tailed it for my lunchroom. She then stands up from her scooter (which I suppose makes it more of a getaway car than anything else, right?) and snatches my purse, turns, looks at the camera and then scoots (such a weird verb to use) back through the door, just as one of my coworkers makes her way to the lunchroom. My coworker, confused by a random woman in our back basement area asks the woman if she needs any help and the woman says "Just looking for something" and then picks up speed-- my coworker rushes to the lunchroom and notices my bag missing. She calls me, and we watch the tape.
What. The. Hell.
I called the police to report my missing property, and even though I have the scooter bitch on tape, and my coworker acting as a witness, I know that I pretty much have lost everything. My house keys, my car keys, my driver's license, my cell phone, all my I.D., my bus pass, my camera, both credit cards, a school textbook plus the really amazing book I was reading (The White Tiger). Freaking out only slightly (LIES), my mom came to pick me up, seeing as I had no keys, drivers license or bus pass. I was home for about 5 minutes when the door bell rang. I thought it might be the police, as the officer I spoke to on the phone said that he would stop by for a written report.
At my front door was a guy who said was asking for me... with my wallet. He said that he had found my wallet tossed in his front yard, his house being blocks from my work and just in front of an old folks home. Everything was there, except for $45. So stoked. Thank you for mowing your lawn today, dude. You saved me so much money and time replacing all that shit. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
With my wallet now safely in my hands, and the woman's intentions seemingly clearer, my parents decided to act out their untapped-until-now dreams of being private eyes. I stayed home to wait for the cop. From here on, the story is going to be told from what I have been told, I will embellish for fun.
My parental units began their drive with gusto, fancying themselves as Amazing Race contestants, a role they both feel that as a pair they would excel at, as they have both told me numerous times. My father behind the wheel, they drive towards the direction of the guy's house and continue up the street, both watching the other side of the road as they check to see my bag, or a woman on a scooter. They reach the end of the street, to no avail. They decide to pay a visit to the old folks home. Feeling confident in their choice, they stride up the sunny front walk.
After a bit of prodding, the woman who runs the residence describes the only person living there who runs a scooter. And it's a man. With disappointment, they return to the car. My father decides that they need to try the street again, this time each looking the other side of the street. They are just about to give up, when lo and behold, my purse is spotted hanging from the fence of someone's front yard. Now, my mother strongly stands by the story that someone must have just put it up there as they were at the old folks home, and my father and I keep bugging her that she must have missed it, because it was on her original side.
I have my bag. Everything is there, except my camera and $45. Which is a huge and major bummer because I love that camera. I just got it for Christmas and it was awesome. But, on the plus side I didn't need to get new keys made or pay $75 for a new license.
Anyway, that is my exciting news of today and it's long and while I do really enjoy blogging thus far, the longer my posts the more I slow down while writing and the worse the writing style gets and the more boring it is to read and then i just end it awkwardly and abruptly. Like this.
Bye.
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